No iré allí otra vez, sino que pude.

   
     One of the reasons I began doing this blog, aside from the main reason of keeping family and friends informed, is to help myself remember which places I will or will not go to and why, because I tend to forget. Like last night, when Jeannine and I decided to go to El Tenampa's Authentic Mexican Food on Rt. 72 East in Manahawkin. Jeannine was on the phone with my parents, inviting them, and then it clicked and I said, "Wait, did I say I wouldn't go to this place again?" Jeannine said I hadn't said that, after a strange pause. I knew something was up. I remember saying I wouldn't go there again after a particularly horrible take out incident with them in which my meal was extra-salty (and that's saying a lot) and Jeannine's dish, which I believe was a Taco Salad or something, amounted to a few pieces of dry meat on a small stack of brown, soggy lettuce. But I couldn't remember if I said I wouldn't go there after our last dine-in experience. So off I went, only to have my suspicions confirmed in the car that I indeed said I would never go there again. But we were on the way, and hey, it's the only Mexican food joint in town, especially during the winter.
     I picked up a six-pack of Negra Modelo, because there's something about beer in general, and that beer specifically, that goes so perfectly with the spicy hotness you get from Mexican. We got there, saw Mike Demio, said hello, then sat down at a table my parents had already picked out. The place was packed, but the waitress, upon seeing the beer in tow, brought over a bottle opener quickly. Highlights include my Mom drinking a beer "for the first time in thirty years of marriage," according to my Dad, and from the bottle no less. There were already chips and salsa, which I love to a fault, almost. Nothing's worse than when you go to a Mexican place and they don't bring chips out. I don't go to those kinds of places again.
     The order was quick to be taken and the food was quickly brought out, which is one thing that I like about Mexican food: the speedy delivery. I got a chicken chimichanga, which was really good and packed with meat and cheese all wrapped in a thick, chewy tortilla, deep-fried, and covered in cheese and a nice hot sauce. The downside of the dish: the price.
     In my opinion, Mexican is to be exalted for a triumvirate of traits that should be inherent to all Mex food: it's quick, it's cheap, and it's delicious. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of places, especially in the Manahawkin/LBI area, while adhering to the first and third of these, seem to have forgotten about the second, and sometimes most important, of the three. All the ingredients in Mexican are relatively cheap, and with a small side of beans and rice, I fail to see how a chimichanga should cost over 13 dollars. I don't know, I may have been spoiled by the likes of Fresca Tortilla in Queens, who could deliver food for two, by bike, in the snow, in under five minutes for under $10 (none of that is an exaggeration), and Cinco de Mayo in New Brunswick, which was open for about 21 hours a day and delivered some of the biggest, most delicious Mexican I've ever had for about 1/3 the price of a movie ticket (no lie, check out the menu for prices). These places believed in and adhered to the trinity of qualities that make Mexican so good, but sadly there are those who just can't keep the faith.
      But that's not to say the food wasn't good, because it was. It was so good. And so was dessert. I don't usually get dessert out, unless it's a really nice place or a special occasion, but almost everything they had on the dessert menu had the words "deep-fried" and "ice-cream" in the descriptions, so I felt obligated. Jeannine and I split the Cheesecake Chimichangas, which consisted of cheesecake rolled in a crispy pastry shell and then, you guessed it, deep-fried, and served with vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Ridiculous. To my pleasure and my detriment, Jeannine could only eat a few bites, and I was bound to finish it (waste not, want not) and by that time I was full.
     At around three in the morning, both Jeannine and I were wide awake with a vicious case of Salting, which occurs when one has consumed too much salt. I, who never has trouble sleeping, could not get back to sleep, tossing around in dry-mouthed delirium until I got up and read for a while. Jeannine suffered a similar fate. I know Mexican food is salty, but this was in excess of the norm. I've been delirious with fever and hallucinated that aliens were talking to me, that is not a lie, and this was almost as bad (well, that's an exaggeration, but you get it).
     So, will I go back to El Tenampa's? The price's have gone up since they first opened, and the food quality has dropped a bit, not to mention the salt. But, they are the only option as far as Mexican in the Wintertime. To translate the title of this review: "I will never go there again, but I might."

      On another note, don't expect another review for a while, as I have gone out to eat an uncharacteristically high number of times in the last week, I don't know why, and am kind of disgusted with that. But stay tuned, because in the middle of March the Puerto Rico version of I'll Never Go There Again makes its debut.

Two Things At Once

Well, for those of you who think that I'm Mr. Harsh when it comes to reviewing eateries and wonder just what places I will go to again, today's post contains not one but two places that I have gone and will continue to go, and have never, ever been disappointed.

   
     I don't have any pictures of the Stafford Diner, located at 1388 Rt. 72 W, and when I did a Google image search, these goofballs came up. It is indeed taken at the Stafford Diner, and epitomizes just one of the subcultures that frequent the joint: goofball high school kids doing goofball things, things they'll probably regret later in life.
     Anyway, the Stafford Diner is a place that I will go to again, and have been returning to for many years. We went there for a late lunch on Monday afternoon. Now, for a long, long time, my "usual" at the Diner was grilled cheese, and as I aged my grilled cheese went through different variations: just plain grilled cheese so no extra cost was added when I was young and broke, later on some grilled cheese w/ ham, which is delicious, and even later, when eating more healthy (I don't think healthy and grilled cheese belong together, at least not diner grilled cheese), I would get grilled cheese w/ tomato, which is really, really good. Neither variety is better than the other, just different. My cousin Bud swears by the Stafford Diner grilled cheese, says it's the best in the world, and if anyone is well-traveled enough to know where in the world to get the best grilled cheese, it's Bud.
     But this post is not about grilled cheese. Lately, I'd say about 95% of my Stafford Diner visits within the past year, I've been getting the Monte Cristo. If you've never had a Monte Cristo, let me explain. The Stafford Diner variety is a ham, turkey, and provolone cheese sandwich on thick French Toast w/ a side of fries and syrup for dipping. I get it with mozzarella instead; it's incredible. I recently found out, via Wikipedia, that a Monte Cristo sandwich is traditionally dipped in its entirety in batter and deep-fried, which sounds like it would be mind-blowing, really incredible, but the Diner version is good enough.
     But what about service? One thing I love about diners is that there are classifications like "diner food," "diner service," and "diner waitress" that, to the experienced diner patron, need no explanation. Our waitress was the classic "diner waitress": nice, but all business. Set the coffee mugs down with a clunk, creamer dish still perched on top, rings of spilled coffee on the table. She was quick to refill our water and coffee, and quick to bring out our food. It was night and day when compared to Roberto's Dolce Vita. If you really want a taste of the sweet life, check out the Stafford Diner. Just watch out for goofballs number one and two, pictured above.

    
      Next up, Scojo's Restaurant, located at 307 Long Beach Blvd., Surf City, NJ. First of all, I don't go out to eat all the time, it just happens to be a coincidence that I've gone out so much the past few days. Scojo's was a special case, because we went there for a late breakfast right after we finished pumping concrete footings around pilings in a crawlspace. How do you celebrate such fun? Breakfast.
     Scojo's is a restaurant that until this past Summer (when my eyes were opened to a number of places on LBI to which they had previously been shut) I had not frequented and even (erroneously) thought poorly of. My previous opinion: too expensive, too crowded, for tourists and old people only, too crowded. OK, so it probably still holds true that on a weekend morning in the Summer, Scojo's is going to be too crowded and full of tourists and the elderly. But it is also delicious. I have gone there a handful of times since the Summer, and it is never packed, the prices are the same or lower than a lot of breakfast places on the Island, the service is always fast and friendly, and the food so far has been outstanding.
     My Dad claims they have one of the best Greek omelettes he's ever had, citing the inclusion of black olives as a main draw. I'm going to have to take his word on that one, olives aren't my thing, and I find that more often than not I'm drawn to the sweet side of breakfast when I eat out. I can vouch for their French Toast stuffed with Mango and Sweet Cream Cheese, which is often on their specials menu. It's decently priced (I think 6 or 7 bucks) and really, really filling. Their blueberry walnut granola pancakes are also really good, and really cheap when on special at $5.95.
     For my most recent visit there I chose the Half Moons, which are two pancakes folded over and stuffed with cream cheese and your choice from a variety of fruit fillings. I chose apples. Their pancakes are among the best on the Island, but I was wondering how the Half Moons would be, because sometimes places put too much cream cheese in these stuffed things, and drown the dish. Fortunately, they did the right stuff and put the perfect amount in. The apples were a surprise too, because they weren't the typical pie-filling fare, but fresh cut apples. Another deliciously sweet treat from one of my new Island favorites, Scojo's.
     So, there, I've shown that I am not a dining tyrant, and that it's not really hard for a restaurant to make me want to return. All it takes is good food and good service in a timely manner. The low prices aren't a necessity, but in both these cases, an added bonus. I will go to these places forevermore.

Mission Statement and First Review

     Some of you who know me may be aware that I have a fairly simple system of reviewing restaurants. There are really only two categories that a dining establishment can fall into after I have gone there. Either I'll go there again, or I'll never go there again (granted, there is the gray area of "I'll go there again but only if someone else is paying" but that's a touchy moral dilemma I struggle with constantly). I will usually go on to elaborate and justify why I will or will not dine at whatever the place in question may be, but a lot of times it is unnecessary: either I'll go back, or I won't.
     Now, I know this may sound harsh. Waiters, Waitresses, Chefs and Managers are human beings, after all, and human beings make mistakes. I take this into account when arriving at my decision. And I don't usually complain. I feel if I have to complain that, say, my meal took over 45 minutes to come when the place wasn't even packed (see below) or that I haven't had a refill of water (an incident which will bring a meal to a halt) in a while, then I'll probably just never go back. Let's face it: Every meal out costs more than it should. Even a slice of pizza. I know there are operating costs, insurance, rent, and all kinds of overhead, but eating out is pricey. So, what it comes down to is this: Does the establishment in question make it worth it and enjoyable to be spending the money, or do they make you regret it?
     I take all factors into account when arriving at my decisions, but a lot of times it's one small thing that may tip the scales from one side to another. I know some people may deem me harsh, judgmental, arrogant, foolish, thickheaded, etc., but I hope to be able to justify my decisions. I am someone who doesn't eat out often but loves to, and when I do I love to eat a good meal, and when I don't it's fire and brimstone. Let's eat!

 

Online Menu (Not to be Trusted)

     

     Roberto's Dolce Vita, located on the Boulevard and 130th St.in Beach Haven Terrace. I'll never go there again.  I had never been to this restaurant, and thought it was strange that I hadn't since it has been around for a while, so we decided to got here for St. Valentine's Day. We arrived at 7:30, and had reservations for two, but still we had to wait for upwards of five minutes to be seated. No big deal. We sat, were greeted by our extremely friendly waitress, had our wine opened, and told the specials, which sounded really tasty. A small child who was giving it his all to be as proper as can be poured our water and brought us bread, which was good. One of the first things we noticed after opening the menu were the price differences between that physical menu and the menu we viewed online. I know prices shift, but the dish I ordered, the Vitello Saltimbocca, for example, was listed as $16.95 online. Come to find out all veal dishes are $24.00. That's a fairly big price difference, especially since we chose this place partly because it seemed decently priced. 

     Whatever. I looked past it, we ordered, had some wine, ate some bread, listened to the comically rowdy older group in the next room, and then the Calimari Fritti appetizer came out. It was good, fried to "golden perfection" as the menu described, not anything special but not bad either.

     Next out were the salads, a couple of measly piles of iceberg lettuce with one (1) grape tomato each and two thin slices of onion. Oh well. The lettuce was crisp at least, the dressing good and not dredging the vegetables. We ate, the plates were taken away, and we then we waited.

     And then we waited. It took almost an hour for our entrees to come out. After making mention of our wait to the waitress at about the 45 minute mark, she kindly said she was waiting on our food and would bring it out as soon as possible, adding that our appetizer would be free since we waited. When she walked by again, she said our desserts would be free as well. This made us feel kind of lousy, since it is my understanding in the restaurant industry that when a member of the waitstaff says something like this, often times it comes out of their own pockets, and it wasn't her fault that the food wasn't ready. 

     But anyway, so the food finally comes out. Jeannine got the seafood special, and I got the Vitello Saltimbocca. Saltimbocca, from the culinary encyclopedia Larousse Gastronomique, pg. 933:

     An Italian dish that is a speciality of Rome but originally came from Brescia, where the name     literally means "jump into the mouth". It consists of fine slices of veal fried in butter, topped with small slices of ham, flavoured with sage, and gently braised in white wine.

      The description on Roberto's Sweet Life menu: Scallopine sauteed with prosciutto, mozzarella and served over a bed of spinach. So not exactly traditional, but that doesn't bother me as I didn't know what it was to begin with. What did bother me was the absence of prosciutto on the veal, which would have added a necessary flavor that the dish clearly lacked. Also, Jeannine's seafood special was supposed to have portobello mushrooms, but, alas, it did not, which, while it wouldn't have bothered me if it was my dish, as I detest them, it broke her heart, and on Valentine's Day of all the days. 

     We told the waitress about this, making it clear it wasn't her fault but just bringing it to her attention, she was kind, and we ate minus the key ingredients, not wanting to wait for who knows how long until they got it right. 

     We then had cappuccino and dessert, which was OK but obviously the pre-made fare that haunts so many dessert menus. In the end, the best things about the restaurant were that the waitress was nice and that we only had to pay for our entrees. Maybe Roberto should pay a little less attention to the sweet life and a little more attention to his restaurant, because with so many major things going against it, I will never go there again.